Relationship OCD can lead you to think obsessively about your relationship and its shortcomings. But how can you know if it’s on your mind this much because of ROCD, or if it’s because it’s the wrong relationship for you?
What Is ROCD?
Relationship OCD, or ROCD, is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). It involves unwanted intrusive thoughts about a romantic relationship and compulsive behaviors that are an attempt to decrease anxiety. The intrusive thoughts produce significant anxiety for the ROCD sufferer.
There are two main types of ROCD: relationship-centered (i.e., intrusive thoughts about qualities of the relationship) or partner-centered (i.e., intrusive thoughts about your partner).
You might be experiencing ROCD if you are preoccupied with recurrent doubts or uncertainties about:
- How you feel toward your partner
- How your partner feels about you
- What your sex life says about your relationship
- Perceived flaws in your partner, or
- Whether this is the “right” relationship.
If you have relationship OCD, you might find it impossible to stop these thoughts from coming into your mind. You might engage in compulsive behaviors to “neutralize” your distressing thoughts. As with other types of OCD, ROCD intrusive thoughts can be out of line with your values or true feelings and cause worry, fear, or frustration.
ROCD can also happen after the end of a romantic relationship. In such situations, you might have obsessive preoccupations about having missed “The One.” This is different than experiencing a normal sadness, frustration or grief after a relationship ends.
RELATED: 13 Important Types of OCD (and 5 related conditions)
Differentiating ROCD from Being in the Wrong Relationship
Experiencing a lot of doubt and anxiety about your romantic relationship is a very difficult experience. If you know or suspect you have ROCD, you might feel intensely curious about whether your relationship isn’t working vs. whether your doubts are merely obsessions. It can be very hard to tell!
Examples of common obsessions in ROCD include:
- I didn’t feel totally in love with my partner today, does that mean they’re not ‘the one’?
- I thought that someone else was attractive today, am I not committed enough to my partner?
- Do I really love my partner?
- I don’t feel aroused by my partner right now, does that mean we aren’t right for each other?
Thoughts like these can make it hard to stay present in your relationship. Obsessive ROCD thoughts can take up hours of your day. If it’s often hard to stop yourself from thinking about the topic, the chances are significant that what you’re experiencing is ROCD.
On the other hand, people who are in a flawed relationship often do feel unhappy. While you might also experience doubts if you are in such a situation, the “intrusiveness” or “unwantedness” of those thoughts is not so prominent. You might not feel tempted to engage in reassurance seeking or other compulsive behaviors as is common in ROCD.
If you’re wondering whether your current relationship is wrong for you and feel an urgent need to figure this out right now, this weighs in favor of ROCD impacting your thought processes. However, this doesn’t mean your relationship is “right.”
It’s hard to say what truly defines the “right” relationship, but if you feel urges to figure things out or cannot stop ruminating on the subject, it’s worth considering whether ROCD might be impacting your thinking.
Common Symptoms of ROCD
ROCD is characterized by intrusive thoughts that increase anxiety, doubt, or guilt in the relationship. These thoughts can lead to other problems, described below.
Constantly questioning the strength or compatibility of the relationship
It’s common in ROCD to excessively question whether a relationship is strong enough. You might wonder whether you are truly compatible with your partner. You might also experience obsessive thoughts about whether you are good enough for your partner, or they are good enough for you.
Compulsions are repetitive behaviors performed in response to intrusive thoughts. Some compulsions are readily observable, like googling questions about relationships or taking online relationship quizzes. Other compulsions are mental and thus invisible to others. For example, you might also check your body for certain signs or feelings of love, attraction, or arousal.
People with ROCD sometimes work to avoid certain experiences, such as watching romantic movies or reminders of their relationship in order to avoid intrusive thoughts.
Seeking reassurance from others
Reassurance seeking is a common compulsion in ROCD. Because the intrusive thoughts create doubt, you might feel tempted to seek input from others in an effort to relieve that doubt. However, reassurance seeking creates a vicious cycle. The temporary relief from anxiety you might feel can quickly dissolve and lead to more obsessive thoughts, and then urges to seek more reassurance.
Comparing the relationship to prior ones
The fears and doubts common with ROCD may lead to intrusive thoughts comparing your current relationship to past ones. These comparison thoughts may focus on physical qualities of your partner, the strength of your emotional connection, or other aspects of your relationship. These types of thoughts can lead to time-consuming rumination.
Looking for certainty
Many people want certainty about their romantic relationship. A lack of certainty can be extremely distressing if you have ROCD. You might seek out signs that your partner is one hundred percent “The One.” While most people crave that certainty, it is difficult to truly achieve. The need to be certain about a relationship can be an unrealistic goal that keeps you in the cycle of obsessive thoughts.
The Impact of ROCD on Relationships
Stress and anxiety
As with other types of OCD, the intrusive obsessions and compulsive behaviors in ROCD can impact your day-to-day life. You might spend hours obsessing over certain qualities of your partner or your relationship, which can get in the way of other social or personal activities. These thoughts can also make your mood worse. In turn, low mood can affect not only your romantic relationship, but other relationships as well.
Potential for the end of a relationship
ROCD can cause significant distress and distrust for you and for your partner, creating challenges in your relationship. For example, if you constantly question your relationship it can be hard to stay present when you are with your partner. If your mind is filled with intrusive thoughts or images, you might not be able to engage with your partner in conversations or activities.
Acting on ROCD impulses and thoughts can also endanger your relationship. For example, checking their phone or asking them excessive questions can leave your partner feeling angry or like you don’t trust them. Depending on the person and situation, this can even cause the relationship to end.
Treatment for ROCD
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) for ROCD focuses on understanding and changing the ways in which you experience intrusive thoughts. In CBT, you can learn tools and strategies to cope with these distressing thoughts and learn to better tolerate not knowing the answer to pressing questions about your relationship. It also provides skills to manage the urge for compulsive behaviors through Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) strategies.
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)
Another type of therapy to treat ROCD is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Based in mindfulness, ACT focuses on reducing your urge to avoid certain experiences. ACT also helps you accept various situations, thoughts and feelings in order to improve your mood and well-being. This therapy works by improving psychological flexibility to help you engage with your thoughts in different ways. ACT is an evidence-based treatment for OCD and can help reduce symptoms of ROCD.
Finding Professional Help
Symptoms of ROCD are distinct from being in the “wrong relationship” and can improve with the right kind of treatment. If you’d like to find a therapist who can help you with ROCD, please get in touch with us at the Manhattan Center for Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.
