Disappointment is a part of life that comes up when your hopes or expectations aren’t met. We all feel disappointment at times in our relationships, in other people, and in ourselves. It’s not an easy feeling to sit with, but there are healthy (and unhealthy) ways to cope with this unavoidable emotion.
For some people it is tempting to handle disappointment by avoiding it altogether. One way to do this is to not have expectations in the first place. But this isn’t possible — imagine trying to have no thoughts or ideas about how something should be or might go!
Living life without having expectations isn’t realistic. Also, expectations are helpful for us in many ways. So how can we cope with the unpleasantness of disappointment that is sure to come up? Here are some healthy ways to deal with disappointment:
Understanding the Disappointment and Validating It
Acknowledge that you’re experiencing disappointment. It’s tempting to ignore, minimize, or distract yourself from unpleasant feelings. But this can actually make these feelings more of a problem over time. Instead, acknowledging and naming a feeling (even doing this out loud!) can help you cope in a healthy way. Validating our emotions means accepting that they are present, and remembering that it’s ok to have those feelings. Emotions always happen for a reason.
Tolerating and “Riding the Wave” of Disappointment
Have you ever tried making an emotion “just go away,” or even tried creating an emotion you don’t have? Either way, you likely know that things don’t work that way. Once we feel an emotion, that emotion is there until it fades or passes. In fact, all emotions, including disappointment, pass or fade with time. This happens regardless of how upsetting or uncomfortable they are at first. Sometimes this happens more quickly than others, and some feelings are more intense while others less so. But they all do fade with time.
So, part of healthy coping with disappointment is reminding yourself that disappointment is like a wave — ride it until it passes.
Again, being kind toward yourself and validating the feeling can help you ride out a wave of disappointment. Getting support from others can also be helpful. Sometimes focusing your energies or attention on something else meaningful to you helps lessen the intensity of the feeling. If you have already acknowledged and validated your feelings of disappointment, then distracting yourself can be a helpful coping strategy to get through the wave. Self-care strategies like going for a walk, listening to music, or watching a television show you enjoy can help you distract in a healthy way.
Checking Expectations and Adjusting Them to Match Reality
Sometimes, adjusting expectations is the best way to cope with disappointment. If an expectation is rigid or inflexible or doesn’t line up with reality, it’s easier to feel disappointed. Words like should, always, and never are sometimes signs that your expectations might be unrealistic or too rigid.
For example, if you believe you should never need to try something new more than once to learn it, or that people should always reply to your text messages within 5 minutes, you might frequently feel disappointed. In a case like this, it’s helpful to soften or realign your expectations to make them more realistic.
Focusing on the Bigger Picture: Expecting and Accepting Disappointment in Life
Another helpful way of dealing with disappointment is remembering that it is simply a part of life. There’s no way to avoid it altogether. Remember, disappointment is a feeling that comes up around expectations that aren’t met. So, if you expect to have a life free of disappointment, you may find yourself disappointed. Accepting disappointing circumstances, despite your emotional reaction, can make things less uncomfortable.
Here are some situations in which disappointment often comes up, and examples of how you can best handle them.
Disappointment in a Relationship
Disappointment can come up in any meaningful relationship. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a family relationship — every relationship comes with expectations. Valuing a relationship and having expectations for that relationship go hand in hand!
Disappointment in Yourself
Feeling disappointed in yourself is uncomfortable. Sadness and guilt tend to come up when you feel disappointment in yourself. We all have many expectations we hold of ourselves: how we should act, feel, and think, what we should do with our time and energy, what abilities and traits we should have, and so on. Given all these expectations, it’s easy to see why feeling disappointment in yourself is a near-universal experience.
Example: Marcus
Marcus wanted to spend more time with his grandchildren, so he started to pick them up after school every weekday. But he kept accidentally falling asleep when they’d play calm games or watch a movie together. He felt disappointed in himself for sleeping through something that was really important to him. He thought he wasn’t being a good enough grandpa, which also made him feel guilty.
Marcus believed that if he truly loved his grandchildren, he should be able to stay awake while spending time with them, even if he was tired from a long day at work. He was really hard on himself and even thought this meant he wasn’t fit to look after his grandchildren. When he spoke to his daughter about how he was feeling, she reminded him that looking after youngsters is hard work! She pointed out that it made sense he often fell asleep after work, and that dozing off didn’t mean he didn’t value spending time with them.
Together, they decided he would spend with his grandchildren on weekends when Marcus was less tired from work. After spending more time with them and not falling asleep, he felt less guilty about dozing off when he would see them on weekdays.
Marcus used two strategies to deal with his disappointment in himself. The first one was seeking support from a loved one. Fortunately, his daughter was able to help him see the situation differently. Secondly, he used problem-solving — in other words, he changed the situation. By spending time with his grandchildren on weekends, he learned that when he was less tired, he didn’t fall asleep while spending time with them. This made it less likely that he would feel disappointed in himself the next time he fell asleep while watching them after school.
Disappointment in Others
Just like feeling disappointed in yourself, it’s inevitable to feel disappointed in others sometimes too. Other people have their own ideas, feelings, desires, and challenges, so there’s no way they will always meet the expectations you have of them. When you feel disappointed in someone else, it’s also common to feel frustrated or resentful, or even angry.
Example: Tate
Tate often spoke to their roommates about how much they enjoyed day trips like hiking and going to the beach, and suggested they should all plan such a trip sometime soon. Their roommates agreed and said they could all go within the next few months. However, a few weeks later, after their roommates were gone for a weekend, Tate found out through social media that the roommates went on a hiking trip with other friends. Tate was understandably disappointed at not being invited to join.
Tate was upset at feeling excluded by their roommates, and reached out to a friend to vent. The friend helped Tate validate their feeling of disappointment. Tate’s friend reminded them that it was reasonable to feel hurt and disappointment – anyone in the situation would. But their friend also encouraged Tate to consider if their expectations of being invited on the trip aligned with reality. Their roommates had gone on a trip with a different group of friends and maybe their exclusion was not deliberate. Tate realized they didn’t really know this other group of friends. It was also possible that the trip had been planned before Tate mentioned their interest in similar outings, or that it was a last-minute plan and there wasn’t time to invite them.
After talking to their friend, Tate reminded themself that the feelings of disappointment and frustration would pass. They decided to “ride the wave” of disappointment and wait until they were feeling calmer before approaching their roommates about how they felt. To help themself relax, Tate went for a walk in the local park while listening to their favorite podcast. Taking this time allowed their disappointment to fade and helped them avoid reacting impulsively in the heat of the moment.
Tate used four distinct strategies to cope with their disappointment. First, they sought social support. Reaching out to a trusted friend allowed Tate to identify, express, and validate their emotions. Second, they adjusted their expectations. Tate recognized their roommates’ trip may not have been meant to exclude them personally. Considering other possibilities helped to reduce the intensity of their disappointment. Third, they reminded themselves that all emotions fade and pass in time. While disappointment is an uncomfortable emotion, Tate understood they wouldn’t always feel this way. Finally, after identifying and validating their feeling of disappointment, Tate engaged in distraction by going for a walk, helping them “ride the wave” of their disappointment.
When Disappointment Builds Resentment
Experiencing disappointment is natural. If you find it hard to manage your expectations in healthy ways, or experience disappointment over and over, disappointment can turn into resentment. Resentment can also feel like bitterness or anger. If you repeatedly push away feelings of disappointment, resentment can build in its place.
When disappointing circumstances happen, you might consider using radical acceptance – acknowledging the situation as it is, rather than fighting or denying it. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you approve of the situation, it means you can recognize the situation as reality and then begin to focus on moving forward.
Like with any unpleasant emotion, you might find yourself wishing disappointment or resentment would go away. But experiencing the emotion is crucial to help you process and move through it. The intensity of these feelings can vary — sometimes they are manageable, other times they can feel overwhelming. Sometimes people find that difficult experiences of disappointment or resentment lead them to use substances like alcohol or drugs to “numb” the feelings. If you find yourself using substances to cope with unpleasant emotions, consider talking to a therapist.
Summing Up
Whether you’re feeling disappointment in a relationship, in others, or in yourself, there are various healthy ways you can deal with this unpleasant emotion. Acknowledging disappointment, by naming and validating it, is a good place to start. Validation can also help you “ride the wave” of disappointment, which will pass with time. Getting support from others and distracting yourself are also helpful ways to tolerate feelings of disappointment while they persist. Making your expectations more flexible and realistic can also help lessen the discomfort of disappointment. Lastly, it’s healthy to remember and accept that disappointment is a part of life, and we all experience it sometimes.
Please contact us if you think CBT therapy might help you in your efforts to cope with disappointment in your life.
With contributions from Leah Walsh, Ph.D. and Grace Anderson, Ph.D.
