Anger is sometimes more complicated than it seems. Learn how anger is often a secondary emotion, and what that means.
Revised September 15th, 2024
Anger can seem simple. You feel the intensity of being wronged. Your blood boils. You get mad. Maybe you squash down that anger, or maybe you blow up. But is anger that straightforward? Not always! You can find out what might underlie your anger, and how to foster a healthier relationship with it.
What’s Your Anger Trying to Tell You?
The purpose of anger
We all feel angry sometimes, and that’s okay because anger can actually help us! It can be a warning sign that something important to us might be at risk. It can help us take action to protect our needs, values and goals. For example, imagine if your boyfriend or girlfriend suddenly broke up with you. Or maybe your friends went out without inviting you, or a coworker interrupted you during a meeting. It’s normal to feel angry in these cases since these things can hurt our relationships or success at work.
If you take a deeper look at the angry feelings that come up in these types of situations, you may begin to notice how anger serves a protective function. Specifically, it can protect us from feeling more vulnerable emotions like hurt, fear, shame, or sadness. Anger can act like armor, making us feel powerful when we’d otherwise feel weak. It covers up these raw emotions. It can also give us a sense of control and security, even if just for a little while.
The Anger Iceberg
Some people have compared anger to the tip of an iceberg. Anger is fairly easy to see, because it’s often displayed outwardly. Many people grow up in families or cultures that believe that showing anger is more acceptable than showing other emotions (like sadness or shame). So for them, just like an iceberg, there’s often more hiding underneath the surface.
The primary emotions beneath anger
It’s important to recognize that anger might be hiding deeper, “primary” emotions. “Primary” does not mean “more important.” It just means that anger, as a “secondary” emotion, usually doesn’t come up without other difficult emotions also present. These other emotions are usually more vulnerable ones, and harder to express.
Let’s take the some of the examples mentioned earlier. Being abruptly broken up with might make you furious with your ex. And beneath that anger, you might also be feeling hurt and lonely. You might feel ashamed if the breakup led you to believe that you weren’t good enough. You may even be shocked because you didn’t see the breakup coming or feel powerless to do anything about it.
If your friends hang out without you, you might feel annoyed. After all, they’re your friends, and you expect to be invited. But underneath that anger, you may also feel sad and hurt that they would do this. You may even feel embarrassed because you thought you were closer to them than they feel about you.
And if a coworker interrupted you during a meeting, you might be angry. Alongside that anger, you might also feel embarrassed that other coworkers saw this and may judge you. You could also be anxious that your efforts are undervalued and worried this could affect your chances of getting promoted. You might feel insecure if your coworker’s dismissive attitude triggers your imposter syndrome, or shame about feeling invisible or incompetent.
These emotions—feeling sad, hurt, afraid, insecure, and powerless—can be tough to deal with and even tougher to share with others. They make us feel vulnerable, which can make us afraid of being rejected or hurt even more. That’s why we often cover these emotions with anger, so we can feel more powerful or in control of the situation.
Primary vs. secondary emotions
Primary emotions are immediate, natural responses to a situation, like feeling sad when you lose something or happy when you win something. The main difference between primary and secondary emotions is how quickly they happen and where they come from. Primary emotions come straight from the event, while secondary emotions come from our other feelings, thoughts, and how we interpret the event.
Consider the example of not being invited somewhere by your friends. This would probably make anyone feel hurt or lonely. But imagine you absolutely hate feeling lonely and hurt, or don’t want to think about how it’s been hard for you to keep friends in your life, or about things you’ve done that may have pushed friends away. A quick way to avoid these painful thoughts and feelings is to get mad. You can also imagine how you’d feel if you interpreted this situation to mean that your friends hate you and have been acting “fake” towards you this whole time. Or if you thought, “They don’t care about me at all.” Then it makes total sense that you might be quick to get angry!
Why should you care about whether anger is a secondary emotion?
Understanding whether anger is a secondary emotion in a particular situation can help you address the true reasons you’re upset. By identifying the underlying primary emotions, you can take more appropriate actions to resolve conflicts and meet your goals. When anger is overwhelming, it makes it harder to recognize other emotions underneath the surface. But if you hone your awareness of the primary emotion underneath the anger, you can choose to do something that might be more constructive, that helps address both your anger and also the other emotions that might underlie it. This can lead to healthier relationships and improved emotional health.
Is anger always a secondary emotion?
It makes sense to feel angry as a response to injustices, perceived threats, or frustrations, and anger might truly be your primary emotion in the moment. It isn’t always masking another, more vulnerable emotion. For example, if an acquaintance made an inappropriate, derogatory comment about you in front of others, you might immediately be angry that someone unjustly crossed a boundary. In this case, anger is still functioning to alert you to something getting in the way of your goal (e.g., of respect), plus it’s an immediate, instinctual response to the situation.
Identifying Underlying Issues
Importance of self-reflection
Self-reflection is essential for recognizing and acknowledging any underlying emotions driving our anger. Mindfulness of emotions can help us become more attuned to our emotional states, allowing us to identify primary emotions like sadness, fear, or shame. By cultivating this self-awareness, we can better understand the roots of our anger and take steps to address these deeper issues.
Addressing the root causes
Once we’ve identified the primary emotions beneath our anger, it’s important to address these root causes directly. This might involve having difficult conversations, seeking help from mental health professionals, or making changes in our environment or relationships. For example, perhaps your anger towards your friends for not inviting you to hang out motivates you to have a tough conversation with them about how this made you feel, and if they’re not receptive, then it may motivate you to find different friends who are inclusive and share your values.
By tackling these underlying issues, we can reduce the intensity and frequency of our anger if we wish to calm down.
Listening to Anger
Reflecting and practicing mindfulness of your emotions can help you determine what you’re actually feeling – whether it’s anger, other emotions, or a mix of both.
When people are angry, they often respond in one of two ways. Some people have a hard time controlling their reactions. They often want to lash out at something external, whether it’s insulting or criticizing someone, throwing something across the room, or punching the wall. Other people try to over-control their reactions, and squash the anger down internally. They avoid acknowledging or expressing the anger at all, which can result in built-up resentment over time.
If you mostly fall in the first camp, you may want to adopt active listening techniques. If you fall in the second camp, you may want to practice validating your emotions. (Each of these techniques is described in the section below.) In both cases, listening to your anger and expressing it in healthy ways can help your relationship with others and yourself.
Active listening techniques
The angrier you are, the tougher it becomes to actually listen to someone. Have you ever had the experience of not really hearing the person talking to you because you’re too busy thinking of what you’re going to say next? Or not understanding their point of view because you’re thinking about how much they suck? Or are you missing their point because you’re ruminating about how much you want to throw something? When that happens, the less someone feels heard and understood, the angrier they will become. This can turn into a cycle where both people get angrier and angrier and can’t resolve the issue peacefully.
To break this cycle, you can try active listening. This means paying close attention to what someone else is saying and genuinely trying to understand it. To practice active listening, you can focus on the person speaking, let them finish talking without interrupting, and try your best to practice being non-judgmental. You don’t need to agree with them, but you can hear them out. Showing them that you understand their point of view is even better. For example, you can repeat what they said in your own words or ask questions to help clear up any confusion. This can help de-escalate the situation and maybe even make them more receptive to what you have to say.
Validating emotions
Validating emotions involves acknowledging and accepting feelings without judgment. You can validate other people’s emotions. For example, if your friend confesses to you that she is jealous of her sister because her sister is getting married, you would be validating her emotions if you said something like I understand why you feel that way, given the situation. You’re communicating that the emotion makes sense for the situation.
But for people who tend to suppress their anger, validating your own emotions can be an important step in helping you process and manage your emotions.
You can validate both your anger and the other primary emotions you may be feeling, so that you can see that all of your feelings are an understandable and legitimate response to your experience. For example, if you’re going through a breakup, you can acknowledge how angry you’re feeling because your partner left you. But you can also recognize and name how ashamed, lonely, or disappointed you feel, too. Acknowledging your anger doesn’t mean you can’t simultaneously acknowledge other emotions present as well.
And beyond acknowledging, accepting these emotions and approaching them with understanding and self-compassion is also an important part of self-validation. If it’s tough for you to come up with a compassionate response to yourself, you can try imagining what you’d say to a close friend in the same situation and say it to yourself.
The Healthy Expression of Anger
Sometimes people view anger as a destructive emotion, especially when angry people act aggressively. And because of this reputation, many people also try to ignore or suppress their angry feelings. But all emotions are important to acknowledge, including anger, whether it’s primary or secondary. Feeling or expressing anger isn’t bad. You just might need healthy ways to express it.
Constructive ways to express anger
Expressing anger in healthy ways is necessary for maintaining emotional balance and healthy relationships. Here are some ways to do so.
- Communicating assertively: clearly and calmly expressing your feelings and needs without resorting to aggression. More on this below.
- Mindful pause: taking a step back to be mindful of your emotions and your goals in a given situation, then choosing what to do next (instead of letting your anger choose for you).
- Creative outlets: using art, writing, or other creative forms to channel your emotions.
- Relaxation techniques and other crisis survival skills: practicing deep breathing, meditation, or other crisis survival methods to calm your mind and body.
- Physical activities: engaging in exercise or other physical activities to release pent-up energy.
Importance of assertiveness
Assertiveness is the ability to express our thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and respectfully. It differs from aggression, which involves hostile or harmful actions towards others. Assertive communication helps us set boundaries and advocate for ourselves without ignoring the rights of others. Developing assertiveness can help you with more effective conflict resolution and healthier relationships.
If you’re interested to dive deeper into your anger or work on healthy ways to express it, you may be interested in cognitive behavioral therapy for anger. If so, feel free to contact us.
