If you’re trying to figure out how to stop obsessive thoughts, you’ve probably already noticed something frustrating: pushing them away doesn’t work—at least not for long.
In fact, trying to suppress intrusive thoughts often makes them come back stronger.
I’ve been a psychologist for 20 years and have treated many people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). One of the most distressing symptoms they experience is intrusive, obsessive thoughts—sudden, unwanted “what if” scenarios that can feel disturbing, even terrifying.
For example:
What if I were to pick up this coffee mug and bash my mother in the head with it?
What if I’m sexually attracted to children, despite no one even suspecting it?
What if that pothole I drove over on the way here was actually a person, and I didn’t notice?
Obsessive thoughts are immediately followed by a rush of anxiety, or even terror. That’s often followed by an urge to make sure the fear isn’t true.
If you’re dealing with intrusive thoughts like these, the goal isn’t to get rid of them completely. It’s to change how you respond to them.
I have found that this approach is typically quite helpful for people wondering how to stop intrusive thoughts or how to deal with obsessive thinking patterns in OCD.
SEE ALSO: Is Uncertainty Intolerance Causing Your Anxiety and Panic?
The Four-Step Method For Dealing with Intrusive and Obsessive Thoughts
I have found that the following four-step technique can help people build a healthy relationship with their intrusive and obsessive thoughts. It’s a way of talking to yourself after you’ve had the obsessive thoughts. It can be simplified down to these steps.
- “Maybe it’s true!”
- “Maybe it’s not true!”
- “I don’t know.”
- “I’m not going to figure it out right now.”
Here’s how you can implement each of the four steps.
Step One: “Maybe It’s True!”
Acknowledge to yourself that there’s a chance your fear may be true — as in the above examples, you may in fact be a pedophile. You may bash your mother with a mug, despite not wanting to. You might have run over someone with your car and not realized it when it happened. These would be awful if true, and you don’t have any guarantees that they’re not true (or couldn’t happen). It’s definitely disturbing.
Step Two: “Maybe It’s Not True!”
For many people who’ve been obsessing extensively about their fear, the first step feels silly. Sometimes it feels to them like the fear is so likely to be true, that this second step is just an exercise in self-deception. A waste of time. However, if it feels that way for you, it just underscores the importance of spending time on this second step.
In this step tell yourself that whatever your fear is, there’s a real chance the fear isn’t true. Maybe I didn’t run anyone over with my car. Maybe I’m not a pedophile. Maybe I would never hurt my loved ones. There might even be good reason to believe our fear isn’t true, but in this step it’s best not to get too caught up in debating what’s true and what’s not. Instead, just acknowledge that there is a very real chance that the fear isn’t true.
The point of the first two steps is to get yourself to recognize in the core of your being that the fear may or may not be true; both possibilities are very real. One may be more likely than the other, but both are possible. If you’re not able to get yourself to that mental place, spend more time on whichever of the first two steps seems harder for you to believe.
Step Three: “I Don’t Know”
Given the mental work you’ve done in the first two steps, now it’s time to take a step back and recognize that you don’t know whether your fear will come true or not. You might have some well informed opinion about whether it will, but you don’t know. And that’s a little terrifying. Practice staying there, even briefly. I know it’s the last thing you want to do, but it’s important. You don’t need to answer the question right now of whether your fear is justified or not. Rest in not knowing. It won’t be comfortable, but it’s good for you to do.
Step Four: “I’m Not Going to Figure It Out Right Now”
The fourth and final step is to resolve to yourself not to engage in any fact-finding or further analysis to “figure out” whether you actually did, for example, run someone over with your car. You could easily let your mind drift back to your memory of that moment when you felt that bump, and try to figure out if it felt unusual. Don’t do it — decide not to engage in any further checking, analyzing, or trying to figure it out. When (not if, but when) your mind betrays you and you find yourself ruminating about the fear again, that’s OK. Just renew your commitment to leave that question unanswered.
Example 1: Sexual Orientation Intrusive Thoughts
Ashley, a 30-year-old woman, has always thought of herself as heterosexual, and has only had romantic and sexual relationships with men. Around age 25, she started to have intrusive thoughts about her sexual orientation. These become increasingly troubling for her, and she developed sexual orientation OCD (also known as HOCD). The thoughts made her very upset and she tried to deal with them by thinking about her boyfriend and making sure she felt attracted to him.
Once she began seeing a therapist specializing in OCD, she learned the Four-Step Method. One evening while making dinner, she thought about a female friend and had an intrusive thought about being attracted to her. She told herself, maybe I am gay. She paused and reflected on this for a moment. Then, but maybe I’m not gay. She spent a quick moment thinking about how she’s attracted to men. Then she thought, I just don’t know for sure, and rested with that uncertainty for a moment. Then she resolved to not engage in any more efforts to determine whether she was gay or not, and focused instead on the meal she was cooking when the thought came up.
If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged.
Margaret Atwood, Alias Grace
Example 2: Harm Intrusive Thoughts
Jesse is a salesman in his 50’s who has suffered from intrusive thoughts on and off for the past ten years. They come up whenever he’s around a child or elderly person. In those situations he will have an intrusive image or impulse to punch the child or elderly person if he’s physically close enough to do so. He is horrified by these thoughts, and would do anything in his power to ensure he never hurt anyone. He has never been a violent person, but the thoughts make him wonder what he’s capable of. Usually, when walking by a child he will put his hands in his pockets. This makes him feel a little better when he does it.
Using the Four-Step Method, when he walks by a vulnerable person, he tells himself, maybe I’ll punch them, which fills him with fear. He only lets himself dwell on this possibility for a moment, before quickly transitioning to thinking, but maybe I’ll just walk by and do nothing. After all, that’s what I’ve always done. He contemplates this for a couple of moments, which eases his anxiety a bit (but not a lot!). Then he thinks, but I just don’t know what will happen. Then, lastly, he decides to keep walking without taking any measures to “ensure” that he doesn’t do anything violent.
Example 3: Relationship OCD (ROCD)
Ever since she began her romantic relationship with Sam, Ashley has spent a lot of time thinking about whether they are compatible. Ashley told her therapist that she’d sometimes spend an hour or two thinking hard about whether a recent conversation they had meant that she was in the wrong relationship. Her therapist told her that she had OCD, and that these are relationship obsessions.
SEE ALSO: What Is Relationship OCD?
To use the Four-Step Method, with guidance from her therapist, Ashley focused on times she was alone thinking about her relationship with Sam. Let’s say she found herself thinking about, for example, how he always answers three of her texts with just one of his own, and how this might mean something bad about their communication patterns. She would first tell herself, maybe we’re really not compatible, and we’ll break up — maybe soon! She let herself feel that fear, for real, for a moment. Then she thought, but maybe this isn’t a big deal and we’ll be together forever. On days when this second step felt unconvincing for her, her therapist suggested she spend up to 20 or 30 seconds thinking about how things might work out well for them. Then Ashley would try her best to face the fact that when it comes down to it, I don’t know what the future holds for us. She tried her best to accept this fact as deeply as she could in that moment. Then she resolved to abandon, for now, her efforts to figure out whether they’re compatible or not.
Why Trying to Get Rid of Intrusive Thoughts Doesn’t Work
If you’re trying to get rid of intrusive thoughts, that’s quite understandable — but this approach typically backfires. Why? The more you try to eliminate a thought, the more attention you give it. This has the unfortunate result of making the thought more persistent. It’s counterintuitive — a little like a Chinese finger trap.
Don’t Let Obsessive and Intrusive Thoughts Win!
If you’re struggling with how to stop obsessive thoughts or deal with intrusive thoughts, the Four-Step Method can help you build a healthier relationship with them over time.
Don’t let them control how anxious you get or how you spend your time! And don’t be afraid to repeat this technique dozens or hundreds of times — changing habits takes a while. That’s true whether the habits are behavioral or mental.
If you think you might benefit from working with a therapist on dealing with intrusive thoughts, please contact us.
The people described in the examples above are fictional.