Striving for perfection might seem great – and sometimes, it is! But when perfectionism is excessive, it can take over your life and cause more harm than good. This is called “maladaptive perfectionism.”
The Definition of Maladaptive Perfectionism
Perfectionism means you strive to do things perfectly, without mistakes or flaws. There are three ways this typically happens: You might
- set very high standards for yourself,
- believe others expect you to be perfect, and/or
- expect perfection from others.
Many people have healthy levels of perfectionism that helps motivate them to excel at what they do. For example, composer J.S. Bach, Steve Jobs, and Serena Williams are often described as perfectionists.
However, other people have unhealthy levels of perfectionism that end up making them feel worse. So how can you tell if your perfectionism is unhealthy or not?
Distinction Between Adaptive and Maladaptive Perfectionism
The signs that your perfectionism is no longer helping you, but hindering you, include:
- You have high standards – often unattainable ones – that aren’t flexible. Sure, you aim to achieve a difficult goal. But how do you react when you aren’t able to meet it? If you have healthy levels of perfectionism, you might be disappointed, but you’ll probably be able to move on. But if your perfectionism is out of hand, you might criticize yourself harshly and ruminate over your mistakes for days.
- Your self-worth is too dependent on whether or not you achieve things perfectly. This may lead you to be extremely self-critical. You view mistakes as a failure of you as a person rather than just a failure in your performance. It’s understandable to feel guilty because you made a mistake. But it’s a different thing to feel ashamed because you believe making mistakes means that you’re less valuable as a person.
- You have an intense fear of failure that leads to excessive striving, avoidance, or procrastination. Being so afraid of failure may lead you to spend unnecessary amounts of effort or time to complete tasks to the highest possible standard. The fear of failure can also be so strong that it leads to the opposite result. It could stop you from completing or even starting on a task if you’re afraid you can’t do it perfectly.
All these aspects of maladaptive perfectionism can have a negative effect on your life and your emotional well-being.
Consequences on Mental Health
Emotional Distress, Burnout, Procrastination, and Life Outcomes
The constant pressure of having unrealistic standards – and the inevitable failure to meet them – can lead to significant and repeated emotional distress. People with maladaptive perfectionism often experience chronic stress, frustration, disappointment, or even depression.
Excessive perfectionism can harm your relationships or your work performance. Expecting others to be perfect (or being convinced they expect you to always be perfect) can strain your relationships with them. You might feel like you need to wear a “mask” to maintain your image of perfection, or feel hurt by your significant other if they didn’t say or do the “perfect” thing. Over time, you might feel more isolated from friends, family, and coworkers.
Procrastination and burnout from overworking can also lead to inability to start or finish projects, thereby affecting your career. Some people are so rigidly perfectionistic that they end up being obsessed with details, over-working, and following the rules to the point that it seriously affects their life.
How does perfectionism link to anxiety and depression?
Think about it – if you’re:
- trying hard to be perfect, but
- being perfect is impossible,
Then you’re trapped in a cycle of feeling like you’re failing. This can involve any of the following:
- Feeling like you can never measure up.
- Thinking you constantly need to work significantly harder than others to do a decent job.
- Viewing mistakes as indications of your own unworthiness.
- Believing that being perfect is the only way for others to truly accept you.
It’s no wonder that perfectionism is related to depression. If you’re extremely perfectionistic, you might dwell a lot on your mistakes and failures, and that could affect your self-esteem. Or you might feel let down by your inability to meet your extremely high standards, and think that other people are just as disappointed in you as you are in yourself. With these thoughts running through your mind, it makes sense that you might feel more depressed.
Perfectionism also often goes hand-in-hand with anxiety. If you’re perfectionistic, you probably worry about making mistakes or failing at your goals. You may also sometimes overestimate the danger of making mistakes or failing, thinking that you’ll fail out of school, be fired from a job, or that people will think poorly of you. This anxiety can lead you to overwork, or to make exhausting efforts to hide your flaws from other people.
Perfectionism can also drive you to avoid tasks or people altogether if you think, “If I don’t try, I can’t fail.” Or you might agonize over decisions (big and small) for a long time if you think, “I need to make the exactly right decision.”
Links to eating disorders
Some eating disorders are characterized by excessive striving for a “perfect” weight or body shape. (“Perfect” is in quotation marks because there is no single perfect body type. Everyone has a different image of what a “perfect” body looks like.) People with anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa tend to have higher levels of maladaptive perfectionism.
If:
- you have rigidly high standards for how much your body “should” weigh,
- your self-worth depends on how you look in the mirror, or
- if you have intense fears of gaining weight or having an “imperfect” body,
then your perfectionism is likely putting you at risk for an eating disorder.
Factors Contributing to Maladaptive Perfectionism
Societal and Cultural Influences
Society and culture play a big role in fostering perfectionism. Societal pressures to succeed send the message that achievement somehow makes you a more “worthy” person.
Cultural expectations about success or personal appearance can put a lot of pressure on us to be or seem perfect. We’re often bombarded by images of “perfect” lives, bodies, and accomplishments through media, including social media. It’s hard to avoid seeing other people’s “highlight reels” on social media or noticing that we have more “likes” on posts showcasing our achievements. The constant exposure to these things can make us believe that we need to live up to and maintain these standards. We may feel like we have to get perfect grades, excel in sports, or meet society’s beauty standards to be accepted or valued. But since these standards are impossible to reach, we might never feel satisfied with our efforts.
The influence of people around us can also contribute to perfectionistic beliefs. If parents, teachers, or friends set high expectations and notice only the best achievements, you might feel like you have to be perfect to earn love or approval. If that’s the case, it makes sense that you’d both fear failure and push yourself hard to be “perfect.”
Individual Personality Traits
Certain personality traits can make you more vulnerable to maladaptive perfectionism. For example, if you’re someone who is generally seen by others as controlling or conscientious, you may be more likely to develop perfectionistic tendencies. You may also be more vulnerable to perfectionism if you tend to be more sensitive to criticism or if you tend to worry and ruminate a lot. These kinds of traits can make you more likely to set excessively high standards for yourself and be overly self-critical if you don’t meet them. That said, your personality traits don’t determine your future – so even if you do have these tendencies, they are possible to change!
Cognitive Patterns
Maladaptive perfectionism can also be influenced by certain patterns of thinking which are explained more below.
“Thinking Traps” of Maladaptive Perfectionism
All-or-Nothing
All-or-nothing thinking is when you see things in extremes, without any middle ground. For example, a competitive swimmer might believe “If I don’t come in first, I’m a total failure,” even though placing second or third is still a big deal.
Catastrophizing
Catastrophizing is when you automatically jump to the worst case scenario, even if it’s unlikely. For example, when someone makes one small mistake at work and instantly starts thinking, “My boss is going to hate me and I’m going to get fired.” Or it’s when someone’s significant other doesn’t text them “good morning” one day, and he or she thinks, “Maybe they don’t care about me anymore and will end the relationship soon.”
Disqualifying the Positive
This is when you turn accomplishments into negative or neutral experiences (failures or meaningless ones) by dismissing the good things that happen. For example, someone might have completed an excellent project and receive praise from her boss at work. But she might dismiss this success if she thinks “I just got lucky that my boss liked it. Plus my boss is just nice and probably praises other employees even more. It was no big deal.” To top it all off, this person might even think that she needs to raise her standards even higher next time, so that she can actually feel a sense of accomplishment… even if she might disqualify the positive again next time, too.
Mental Filter
Similarly, mental filtering happens when you focus only on the negatives and ignore the positives. For example, if a student gets A’s in all his classes except one class where he got a B+, he may spend weeks fixating on the B+ and what mistakes he made in that class. He might forget all about the A’s, and the fact that B+ is still a good grade, and think, “I’m a terrible student.”
“Should” Statements
This is when you use demanding words like “should” or “must” toward yourself or others, like “I have to exercise for 2 hours today” or “She shouldn’t have made that mistake.” These statements can lead to feelings of guilt, frustration, or inadequacy when reality doesn’t match these rigid expectations. They can also create unnecessary stress and pressure, making it difficult to actually feel a sense of satisfaction or achievement.
Strategies for Overcoming Maladaptive Perfectionism
Practicing Flexibility and Setting Realistic Expectations
One way to combat maladaptive perfectionism is by practicing flexibility—being open to different outcomes and adjusting your expectations. Instead of fixating on making everything perfect, focus on doing your best while accepting that mistakes happen. Tackling a fear of failure might look like allowing yourself to achieve a “good enough” result rather than a perfect one. For example, you might stop working on a project when you think it’s 99% perfect instead of 100% perfect. It might look like delegating tasks to others even if you’re worried they’ll mess it up. It might look like setting helpful time limits on tasks based on how much time and capacity you have.
Cultivating Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is the antidote to perfectionists’ self-criticism. It involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially in the face of failure. Learning to accept and forgive yourself can reduce the harsh self-criticism that comes with maladaptive perfectionism. Unlearning our automatic thoughts and what society tells you about how you must be “perfect” is hard work. Acknowledge mistakes as a natural part of being a human, and an essential part of growth and learning. Remind yourself that everyone has “off” days, and that mistakes don’t mean you’re any less worthy of love and acceptance. Recognize and celebrate any progress, even if it’s not perfect, to pat yourself on the back for small wins.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Sometimes it can be difficult to practice flexibility, realistic goal-setting, and self-compassion on your own. It can be hard to figure out which of our expectations or beliefs are the important perfectionistic ones to focus on. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy that is effective for treating perfectionism. It helps people identify and challenge their overly-perfectionistic thought patterns and behaviors, and replace them with healthier, more realistic ones. By addressing the underlying cognitive patterns and the ways your perfectionism might drive procrastination, anxiety, and depression, CBT can help people find a balance between striving for excellence and embracing imperfection.
If maladaptive perfectionism has turned into a problem for you, contact us today to get help.
